You spend so much time, so much effort, trying to hold yourself together. And then everything falls apart anyway. - David Levithan
"How are you?"
A seemingly innocent question we encounter in our daily interactions. But as an endo warrior, answering truthfully becomes a daunting task. I know I often find myself hiding my true feelings, burying my pain behind a polite smile. Why do we shy away from sharing our struggles? Are we afraid of burdening others or being judged? The truth is, everyone battles something, and it's time to break free from the silence and embrace our truth.
In the limited exchanges we have, the question of "How are you?" often leads to a predictable script. We offer a polite response, concealing the weight we carry within. It's a dance of social norms, leaving our true emotions unspoken. But what happens when our silence becomes suffocating? How can we expect genuine connection if we keep our struggles hidden?
In a poignant episode of "Being Mary-Jane," the character Mary-Jane delivers a eulogy for her late friend Lisa, who died by suicide. Here are the bits of the eulogy I'd like to highlight:
So yesterday I stopped for some coffee and the guy that works at the coffee shop said ‘Good Morning, how are you?’ and I said ‘Oh I’m fine. How are you?’ because that’s what you say when you go to a coffee shop and somebody says ‘Hey, how are you.’
But I wasn’t fine. I wasn’t fine because today I’m burying my oldest friend. I realise that I’m a liar. I’m a big liar. And a good liar. We all are. We’re all just pretending we’re okay when we’re really not.
And you know it’s not even like it’s enough for just us to lie… we really expect everyone else to lie too. It’s like, we’re all afraid that the whole world will come falling down if we’re honest with each other all of the time.
I absolutely now believe that the lies we tell each other… that’s what killed my friend Lisa. My sister.
... << Fast Forward >> ...
I used to ask her a thousand times… ‘How are you?’… ‘HOW ARE YOU?’ But I don’t know if I actually wanted to hear her truth. I don’t think any of us did. And now she’s gone.
I just want to say that Lisa touched so many lives, she literally brought life into the world and I think the best way to celebrate her life is to stop being liars and actually embrace the truth.
Just make sure that you tell everyone that you love, that you will love them no matter how UGLY their truth is… you’ll still love them.
Through her (MJ's) words, she reveals the dangers of pretending to be okay, urging us to confront our vulnerabilities. It serves as a powerful reminder that bottling up our emotions can have severe consequences, both for our mental and physical health.
As an endo warrior, I, too, am guilty of concealing my true feelings. I fear exhausting the patience of others, worrying that my chronic pain and fatigue will be dismissed as exaggeration, that I'll scare away the few friends and loved ones that I have. But I'm not alone in this struggle. Many fellow endo warriors share the same fear, which is why finding solace within an understanding community becomes essential—a space free from judgment, where we can express our authentic selves.
Recently, I've reached a breaking point. The pain I endure daily, of late, has taken its toll, and hiding behind a facade is no longer an option. I confess my true feelings. Lately I'm just tired, in pain, frustrated, and on the brink of despair. It's difficult to fake a smile when all I want to do is cry. But I realise that burying my sadness and negative emotions only compounds the weight on my shoulders.
To escape the "I'm fine" hole, I've discovered methods that help me acknowledge and express my true feelings:
Journaling: Putting my thoughts on paper allows me to process and release emotions. This blog and my Instagram account have also been spaces of comfort for me.
Trusted Support: Sharing with a close friend or family member provides a safe space to open up. I'm so fortunate to have some friends, family and prayer warriors to turn to.
Seeking Professional Help: Counseling or therapy can offer valuable guidance and support. There's no shame in seeking professional support. It's something that I do and it helps. And if you can't afford it, there are always other options to explore, like reaching out to SADAG, if you're based in South Africa.
Joining Support Groups: Connecting with others facing similar battles provides validation and understanding. A big shoutout to my endo support group for just being there. They just offer a space (and an ear) for one to speak freely as an endo warrior.
Allowing Tears: Sometimes, crying is necessary and therapeutic, allowing emotions to flow freely. I don't even want to delve into the tears I've shed of late. Let's just say, I'm pretty sure that I've run out of tears by now.
Acknowledging our genuine emotions and finding the courage to express them is a challenging journey. I have not yet mastered it myself. But I encourage you, fellow warriors, to recognise your truth and seek avenues to share it. We must break free from the confines of "I'm fine" and embrace the healing power of authenticity. Remember, you are not alone in this struggle, and together, we can lift each other up and create a community that thrives on empathy and understanding.
The mask we wear as endo warriors is heavy, concealing our pain and struggles from the world. But it's time to shed the disguise and embrace our truth. By acknowledging our real feelings and seeking outlets for expression, we can find solace and support. Let us break free from the chains of silence, knowing that our shared experiences can pave the way to healing.
You are not alone—reach out, connect, and let your voice be heard. It's time to shatter the illusion of perfection and embrace our vulnerabilities as strengths. By sharing our struggles, we create a ripple effect of understanding and empathy. Remember, it's okay to not be okay. Together, we can rewrite the narrative, replacing shame with compassion and silence with solidarity.
So, the next time someone asks, "How are you?" dare to break the mould. Speak your truth and open up about your battles. And when you encounter others who wear their own masks, extend a hand of support and understanding. By fostering genuine connections, we can uplift each other and build a community that thrives on authenticity.
Let us redefine the question, "How are you?" into a meaningful exchange, where we truly listen and validate each other's experiences. Together, we can dismantle the walls of isolation and create a world where vulnerability is embraced and no one feels the need to hide their pain.
Remember, your journey as an endo warrior is valid, and your feelings matter. Don't underestimate the power of sharing your story and seeking support. It is through our collective strength that we can rise above the weight of our struggles and create a brighter, more compassionate future. Let us break free from the confines of silence, whether you're an endo warrior or not.
You can start by sharing how you're doing in the comments section below.
Signed
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